Impatiently patient.

We are inching closer and closer and I cannot help but be so incredibly nervous and mostly excited, or trying to be anyway. Memaw says that my polyps will be gone when we go check them out on Wednesday, and let me tell you baby, I hope so bad that she is right. Mommy and I have been so busy, I study all the time, and mommy works hard for you every single day with her two jobs. I have been going to acupuncture, and it's nice and relaxing. I am just hoping all goes well after wed, and if not, well I just hope we can stay on track and start trying for you the beginning of April. I think about you every single day, and I look at your donors picture every day as well. I see those cute little dimples and that precious smile, and I forget for a moment how terrified I am that I may never get to meet you. I know that is such a negative thing to say, but I have never been so fearful in my entire life, I suppose it will only get worse once we have you in our arms. I know it is about God's will, and his plan. I know his plan is greater than any plan we have ever had, I know that although I would love to wake up and be on my timeline everyday, I know we are not, and especially with you my little precious. All I know is that you will be worth every single ounce of work. Every night that I have stayed up terrified that I wont be well enough to try for you, scared that I may disappoint your mommy if i cant be well enough to grow you. I get really stressed out because I love you and need you so much. How can a person need someone that doesn't even exist yet? I know you re probably wondering about this. You know I wish I could explain it to you, the yearning my soul feels every time I think about you. You know I have never been fearful in my entire life. The only thing I have mildly worried about is failure, and perhaps I have never met such immense amounts of failure since I have been trying for you. I am not good and not being able to be better or do better, and when it comes to your damn house, I just can fix it and convince myself that it should repair itself. I feel like I have worked so hard, and I have ached in my soul through every bone and every fiber of my body each time that something went wrong, because I just want to be your mama. I just want to hold you and love you and teach you and I want you to know your mommy and love her the way I do because shes gonna be your best friend just like she is mine. I want you to know your memaw and your papa bear, and grandma and grandpa. I just need God to give me the CHANCE. I promise I wont screw it up, I promise to be good to you in every way possible, and I am trying to be virtuous about being patient but gosh darn it, it is so difficult most days. I will try my very very best not to be discouraged.

Well, onto happier thoughts. Your mommy and I have been thinking of names and heres what we have come up with so far.

Mommy:  Boy: Oliver, Joaquin, Sam  Girl: Charlotte

Mamma: Boy: Mateo, Oliver  Girl: Zooey, Charolotte, Frankie, Sophia, Ava

I guess im planning on you being a girl.... and mommy is crazy for wanting to name you after our puppy, but thats just her favorite name in the whole wide world. Im sure as soon as I see you or feel you, I will know exactly what im gonna call you. I love you so much. I will be back soon